|
| Now obviously, I realize that about 90% of females will read this now JUST because of the title...
and it's not like you CAN'T - how am I going to stop you?
But like... you probably just won't relate... or enjoy reading it so... yeah haha... guys only.
Oh... and I kinda just don't think it's appropriate... but w/e.
So fellas? What's this all about? Well... it's OBVIOUSLY about sex.
But... instead of giving the typical Christian response of, "I'm so tired of the struggle to be pure" I'ma go the other route and say the truth - haha... go figure.
I honestly don't care nearly as much as I should - and that bothers me.
SO... after reading "The Irresistible Revolution", these past few weeks I've started to care again - albeit... still not nearly as much as I should.
But here's the thing - I'm tired of sexual sin being so captivating and enticing to me.
And before all of my wonderful atheist friends (all of whom I love and respect and value very much) go and tell me their opinions on this - please understand... that I probably understand your opinions, and can even understand and respect WHY you have them - but this is important to me... so let's leave it at that ay?
(NOTE: wow... that was really snarky - sorry for the attitude...)
anyhow... I was listening to Aaron Weiss talk about life in the way that he does (It's beautiful - there are two vids on my myspace under "Who I'd like to meet" if you want a taste) hmm well, in one of them, He was talking about how we're so quick to hide things - and while they might be shameful... it's just better to deal with it - nothing gets better when it's masked over.
So by now, I'm sure that anyone with half a brain, and not 100% sheltered knows that I'm trying to say I have issues w/ masturbation and pornography.
I dunno... I could go on about how things have improved here and there over the years - but... it's still not completely taken care of - so I'll praise God for the good, (5 weeks w/out last semester!) and keep fighting for the best. (A week w/out is always something to be happy about)
But I won't put on this facade of purity when I'm broken. Not anymore.
I've learned over and over this past year - There comes a point where you just have to put your trust in God, and move on. I could spend so much time wallowing in despair - wondering if I'll ever regain complete self-control... but I'd be better off being truly sorry when I can be sorry, sorry that sometimes I'm not sorry at all... and seeking out what God would have me do in the moment I've fallen - instead of trying to pretend like I care when I don't... and getting upset at myself for not having any semblance of control.
I dunno... I really don't have a clue.
Maybe this is just a pride thing - like... "look at how humble I can make myself?"
But I really hope it's not - but maybe it is - people keep sitting down at the computers next to me, and I switch to something else because I don't want them reading.
I guess this means I really SHOULD be letting the light in - integrity means you don't hide who you are or what you do right?
so yeah...
I can't decide if I hope that this doesn't change how someone looks at me, or that I DO hope it changes how people look at me.
But in case you had any doubts:
I've fooled around with my old girlfriend almost to the point of sex
Seen more porn than probably anyone on campus
had issues with all of this since I was like... 13
annnd uhh usually don't care.
*sigh* but we're not half as bad as God is good.
Part of me thinks I should feel more remorse
Part of me thinks I should be more sorry that I don't feel remorse
But... feeling sorry doesn't account for a whole lot... taking action does.
Hmm, before I go off the deep end too much, I'd like to say something to all of my friends who are in very open sexual relationships - please don't think I look down on you - I actually think the world of you.
I just think that it's something that is detrimental to me, and that I need to get rid of it.
I can't allow myself to accept that just because people (who might legally be adults - but maturity wise probably aren't) are willing to have sex on camera consentually, and they both enjoy it... and they both wanted it... man... it doesn't make it right y'know?
Maybe part of it is my desire to get away from how overly sexualize the culture itself is...
Gay, straight, bi, curious, transgender... etc... whatever. seriously. I know I've made this statement before, but what about Non-sexual? Why can't people just be themselves?
UGH! I think sex is a wonderful thing, and I actually belive there's a lot of liberty to be had with sex within marriage. I'm not so crazy to think that sex shouldn't be enjoyed, or that it's for procreation only... In fact... I'll even say that I'm okay w/ the idea of something like mutual masturbation within marriage, but the idea of engaging in a sexual act, just for yourself... well, it just plain uses the other person for your gain... that's straight up selfish.
Which of course goes back to why I think it's all fine and dandy w/in marriage... I think if you can make the commitment to wait for marriage, it tells the other person that you're willing to love them enough, to wait until you can engage in whatever sexual act you would - for their benefit... not your own.
But I digress... The point I'm trying to make is this... I've got more sexual problems than most people I know. And while I might not change right away (8 years of trying to unsuccsessfully doesn't set a good track record) I don't want this to ruin my witness and have people think I've given up... it's quite the opposite... this is all just me coming clean... living with integrity requires accountability... and it requires honesty.
It's funny, I don't feel as repentant as I have in the past... (and although I've never gotten away completely, believe me when I say that I've had some very sincere moments of repentance in the past) But I'd like to think that I'm taking more initiative... so maybe this time, the actions start, and the heart follows... and at the very least... I've got a few good friends who will probably read this, so even if the heart doesn't follow right away, they'll keep me up to scratch.
God is good no matter how you slice it folks.
He loves me... and shows me grace.
I don't wanna know what I'd be without forgiveness touching these adulterous lips | | |
| 06/06/1999 - 07/02/2007
I miss you. | | |
|
despite
my best efforts to be dead to Christ and alive to sin, He broke through
and I can tell He's resurrecting good things in me that have been
dormant for too long.
Go read "The Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne...
I
would tell you what it's about, except for the fact that everytime I've
told someone about it, I walked away feeling like if someone told me
the way I told them, I would be rather underwhelmed, and unenthused
about the idea of reading it.
Hmm, this book truly highlights
the joys of giving it all up to follow Christ the way He called us to
follow Him. It's kind of disturbing I've never heard of Christianity in
America like this before. But maybe it's just that all of the questions
he asks in this book are questions I have been asking myself for the
past 5 years.
Why don't people ENJOY following Christ?
Why do we get so apathetic?
so on and so forth - but not only does it answer the questions that a lot of people I know have been asking...
It brings up better ones
Why do we only know what it means to be a Christian in terms of belief and not lifestyle?
Orthodoxy < Orthopraxy
It's
funny, I keep talking to friends about this AS I'm writing this... so i
keep stealing things from my conversations to write in here haha...
anyhow...
I've been dreaming/worrying for so long about making a mark with my life....
Doing great things for Jesus - leaving an impact that touches others blah blah blah...
But when Jesus calls us to be light... He doesn't want us to replace Him... He wants us to reflect Him.
One
of the main emphases of the book is that it's not about being great or
doing great things... it's about being obedient and loving... and doing
the small things WITH GREAT LOVE!
It's just like the story of
the kid walking along the beach throwing beached starfish back in the
ocean... A man walks up and says, "why are you doing this, you can't
make a difference - there are too many!"
The boy looks up and says, "It made a difference to that one" as he threw a starfish back in the ocean.
Y'know what? So what if we don't see an end to world hunger?
Is that a reason for us not to open our homes and wallets to the poor and needy?
A
good point made in the book is when the author was having a
conversation with some people and how he hopes that one day poverty
will end - and some folks said, "What about the scripture where Jesus
says, 'The poor you will always have among you?' "
Shane
Claiborne (The author) replies, "Do you see the poor among you now? -
The reason you don't is because you don't surround yourself with them -
it's a call from Jesus to go out and live your life among the needy"
HOW MANY TIMES does the Bible point out that the true religion is looking after the orphan and widow and homeless and needy?!
If you claim to love Jesus but cannot love your starving neighbor, you don't love Jesus at all!
Jesus help me to let go of all the STUFF I don't need. Help me to reach out to those who need You.
The
book points out some really good points - namely one that is
highlighted by Kierkegaard himself - if Christians actually read the
New Testament - they'd be extremely scared of what it calls them to lay
down... Which is of course why they invented doctrines and so forth
haha...
I challenge you who read this to go out and befriend a homeless person.
Get
to know them. Don't just do charity and give them some food or money...
those things will be gone soon enough. Get to know how you can REALLY
show them love. Find out how you can help them with a job... or with
housing... or better yet, employ them yourself... open up your house to
them!
If you say, "Oh, but what if they steal my stuff?" Then
you have too much faith in your stuff anyways. Stuff should matter a
lot less than people.
Besides, when we share, there's more than
enough for everyone to enjoy everything that they'll ever need - it's
when we hoard things for ourselves - worrying about the next thing we
need to buy... well, that's when we care about if we lose it. Heck...
if all you really care about is possessions, you should give everything
away/share everything with everyone because then you'll be able to use
all THEIR stuff too.
BOOYAKA!
The gospel comforts the disturbed, and disturbs the comforted.
I'm finding myself more disturbed as I read the gospel when I care about me,
and a lot more comforted when I care about others.
Hmm, I suppose it's nice to sleep in...
But it feels good to wake up - and really be awake.
I feel like I'm waking up.
Jesus woke me up from the dead I tell you!
He's getting through to me!
Did you hear how my life is changing?
I finally cried about something that wasn't selfish.
First time in years!
I cried because I'm starting to see how sin is tearing apart God's
children. They don't listen to Him because it's too hard. I cried
because they choose sin over the best thing in the world.
No
wonder they do - when the only Christianity you know is either
presented as Health + Wealth or Asceticism and suffering... we don't
see that God is there to provide abundance and prosperity through our
emptiness of self.
We only know of Christianity that tries to GO BIG!
BE XTREME!
Win the masses to the Lord!
....
Whatever... if all you care about is going big - you're probably not engaging true Christianity.
The
word teaches us that there's something so beautiful in living out the
simple and sincere. Making the difference to the many single starfish
that we meet along our way. That's integrity. That's what I've been
searching for...
And maybe now I've got a reason to live with it.
So bye to the Adam you used to know.
It
might take a while for him to finally be gone for good... but I assure
you... I'm making him leave. He's way to double-faced.
I don't
think I'll make any statements about the Adam you should know, as I
think the old Adam is still around enough that he might influence the
statement in a negative fashion.
Anyhow, I'm awake, and it's beautiful outside...
who wants to help wake some people up?
--Adam | | |
| I'll give the answer right here - and further go on to say that I am always finding myself ignoring the answer - so I know the answer to my own problem.
Worship God in FULLNESS of mind, body, strength, soul, heart, etc. etc. etc.
That's it.
That's the answer.
(It's such sin to see the answer, and willfully walk away - God help)
What's the purpose of each day?
Why do we live?
We find ourselves here - not choosing when we come into life, and usually not choosing when we leave.
But we find ourselves where we are - and we're supposed to do something about it.
But what is there to do?
Go to college?
Get a job?
Get married and have kids?
WHY?!
It's the stupidest thing imaginable.
Why is it so DAMNED respectable to get a job?
To be educated?
To have a wife and kids?
To look good?
WHY?!
Honestly, think of every dead person you've ever met while they were alive.
You missed them for a few months after they passed - and maybe still have moments where you find yourself visiting with friends, going out and doing something, reminiscing or otherwise, and you stop and say to yourself, "Man, I wish so and so were here to enjoy this with me."
But for the most part... your everyday life is no different because of their absence.
Think of that.
You could be wiped off the face of the earth... and within a year... you'd just be a fond memory from time to time - and probably not even that.
THAT is the tragedy and sadness of death.
You don't know what you've got - even once it's long gone.
So what's the point in our everyday living?
It's all gonna be over before we know it right?
Within the Judeo-Christian heritage, we're told that God has us here for a purpose - and that it is to glorify Him.
It's such a beautiful thing, YET... more and more, I find it repulsive to me.
I wake up each day, God calls me to Him... and I don't listen. I would rather just not listen.
We are created to worship - but I want more.
I want to impact people.
I want to make a difference.
I want glory and fame and recognition - "Look how GOOD I worship... LOOK how I am influencing people to worship!"
(I want to be so humbled and driven to the ground... I want to live with integrity and be faithful in the small things - I want to despise the day I wrote this)
BUT THE LAST THING I WANT IS TO BE FAITHFUL!
Faithful in the small things.
Living with integrity.
Who does that?
seriously?
Ay... here's the rub - it's in my self-proclaimed humility and despair that lies my greatest pride - I don't want to move out of it. I want the pity... I want the shame. I'm too weak to do things (or at least I tell myself that) so it's easier to find the faults in my weakness than it is to deal with the hurt and give it to God.
Why do I get upset at things that don't matter?
Putting on 30 pounds over the past year - or the fact that I added 3 this past week while working out for at least 30 minutes a day - obviously frustrating - but why is that so?
This body is nothing... it's my soul that is of worth to glorify God. It's the action and intention and the love that I put into my actions that make anything worth anything.
Getting turned down by girls - hey it's a bummer - especially when it keeps happening... but honestly... WHY?!
Especially for someone like me - I've been taught all my life - and more recently developed a deep understanding - THAT GOD IS ALL WE NEED!
I should be complete in my relationship with Him...
I've honsetly been quasi-comfortable with the idea of celibacy for a few years now - and yet it still brings me to the edge of despair every time I get turned down - it's stupid... even if I don't do "celibacy for life" I'm not even 21... It's not like I'm "running out of time" here.
DAMMIT!
Why do these things get me down?
Why do I get so distracted from pursuing God?
Why can't I just be faithful?
Why can't I remove myself from things that hurt me?
Why is God the last thing that I want sometimes?
Why can't I even care?
Seriously... I haven't cared enough about something to cry over it in a few years now - except for when I broke my ankle... but that doesn't really count.
There's so much FUCKING sin, depravity, hatred, and selfishness out there. And I would have liked to think that I'm a decent enough human being to care about it - but more and more... I just don't.
I thought I was making progress... tears welled up a little when I watched the invisible children movie... I thought I cared.
I talked a lot about how everyone should go to the "Displace Me" event - and then never even went myself. I went and got fast food instead.
How ironic and sick is that?
I can't tell what hurts more...
The fact that I'm too selfish to not post this privately and deal with it by giving it to God...
or
the fact that I won't get as many "views" on this as I would have liked, and just get more selfishly despairing.
(God, you called me to be Your light - but when have I ever been it for You?)
Call me again Father.
Arrest me out of this. Let me serve you - with desire.
I want purpose.
Maybe the key is in what I said earlier:
"But for the most part... your everyday life is no different because of their absence."
Maybe that's the HUGE difference when it comes to Christ... I know it just has to be that without Him... there's a HUGE difference - but you could never know... if you've never been close to Him - not really close. Not like it should be.
I think I've only met 3-4 people in my life - who are so Christ-centered in their thoughts that their lives would literally be stopped dead in their tracks without their relationships with Him...
But for most of us - for the other 99.999999etc.% of people I've met... Christ is dumb... He's alright... He's cool... He's a good thing... a positive thing... an important part of their lives... a good cause/reason for the way we live - but not the be-all end-all of their existence.
I think I'm just too tired of having Christ being the most important thing in my life.
I just want Him and Him only.
Not the most important - the only.
"My life is no longer mine"
I have that tattooed on my back.
You think it'll ever mean what it should? | | |
| But I've also been less of a person - and more of a selfish thing.
I hardly even read anymore - I'm hoping that will change I just bought some more books for summer funtime reading.
So... I went back and looked over some blogs from last year about this time - and it confirmed my hypothesis - I grew a lot over summer then... I've not grown so much this past year.
I really thought I had for a while.
I guess even a leper has clean portions of skin.
I certainly don't know what I'm doing - but it's okay... God has plans.
I also think it's funny that even when I break my promises to God, He finds ways to allow me/make me fulfill them. How's that for accountability?
It's 5:00 am and my last load of laundry is almost done... it's today (which won't REALLY start for another 12 hours or so when I probably wake up) and then Monday and Tuesday... and then I'm done.
Move into my apartment a week from today... that'll be exciting.
I'm also really REALLY missing all of my friends in Oklahoma. I really hope I can make a trip out there and visit.
Also... a really good book to check out is "The Essential Rumi". Rumi was a muslim poet from the 13th or 14th century (If I'm not mistaken) and has/had a lot of really good insights on life. (Aaron Weiss, the lead singer of mewithoutYou/my favorite band ever/a generally cool dude with lots of amazing things to say about G-d told me that he steals a lot of his lyrics directly from Rumi's work - it should be noted that this is why I got the book)
Anyhow... here's one that I really liked - it's about Jesus.
" I called through your door,
'The mystics are gathering
in the street. Come out!" 'Leave me alone.
I'm sick." 'I don't care if you're dead!'
Jesus is here, and he wants
to resurrect somebody!' "
--Adam | | |
|
